Of the Knowledge of Ourselves: and of Our Sins
This day (after thou hast made the sign of the Cross, and prepared thyself hereunto,) thou must attend to the knowledge of thyself: and thou must use diligence to call to mind thy sins, and offences. And this is the way to obtain true humility of heart, and repentance, which are the two first gates, and foundations of a Christian life.
For the better performance whereof, thou must think first of all upon the multitude of the sins of thy former life, and especially upon those offences, that thou didst commit, at what time thou hadst least knowledge of almighty God. For if thou canst well view, and examine them, thou shalt find, that they have exceeded in number the very hairs of thy head, and that thou didst live at that time like an heathen, that knoweth not what God is.
This done, run over briefly the ten commandments, and the seven deadly sins, and thou shalt see, that there is no one of them, wherein peradventure thou hast not offended more, or less, divers and sundry times, by thought, word, or deed. Our first father Adam did eat but of one only tree forbidden him, when he committed the greatest sin of the world: But thou hast set thy eyes, and hands infinite times upon all sins.
In like manner run over all the benefits of almighty God, and all the times of thy life past, and consider wherein thou hast employed them: forsomuch as thou must undoubtedly give an accompt at the very hour of thy death of all these things. And therefore it were well done, that thou shouldest first take an accompt of thine own doings, and enter into judgement with thyself, that thou be not afterwards judged of almighty God.
Wherefore tell me now, wherein hast thou spent thy childhood? Wherein thy infancy? Wherein thy youth? To be short, wherein hast thou spent all the days of thy life past? Wherein hast thou occupied thy bodily senses, and the powers of thy soul, which almighty God hath given thee, to this end, that thou shouldest know him, and serve him? Wherein hast thou employed thine eyes, but in beholding of vanities? Wherein thine ears, but in harkening after lies? Wherein thy tongue, but peradventure in all kind of swearing, backbiting, and most unhonest talk? Wherein hast thou occupied thy taste, thy smelling, and thy touching, but only in pleasures, and delights, and in sensual, and fleshly allurements? What benefit hast thou taken by the Sacraments, which almighty God hath ordained for thy remedy, and comfort? How thankful hast thou been unto him for his benefits? How hast thou answered unto his inspirations? Wherein hast thou spent thy health, thy natural forces, and habilities? How hast thou employed the goods, which are termed the goods of fortune? How hast thou used the means and opportunities, which almighty God hath given thee to lead a holy, and virtuous life? What care hast thou had of thy neighbor, whom almighty God hath commended unto thee? And of those works of mercy, which he hath appointed thee to use towards him? Now what answer wilt thou make at that dreadful day of thine accompt, (to wit, at the hour of thy death,) when almighty God shall say unto thee. Give me an accompt of thy stewardship, and of the lands, and goods, that I have committed to thy charge: For now I will that thou shalt have no more to do therewith? O dry and withered tree, ready for the everlasting horrible torments in hell fire! What answer wilt thou make at that terrible day, when an accompt shall be required of thee, of all the time of thy life, and of all the minutes, and moments of the same?
And assure thyself, that it will so certainly come to pass: for even our Savior Christ himself (who shall be our Judge) hath plainly protested it, and forewarned us beforehand thereof: saying: Every idle word that men have spoken, they shall render an accompt of the same at the day of Judgement.
Secondly, call to mind what sins thou hast committed, and dost commit every day, since the time thou art come to a further knowledge of almighty God. And thou shalt find that even now presently (all that knowledge notwithstanding) old Adam liveth in thee, with many of thy lewd corrupt manners, and ancient customs. Whereupon thou mayest take occasion to run over the negligences, and defects, wherein thou dost daily offend against almighty God, against thy neighbor, and against thyself. For in each of these points, thou shalt find thyself to have failed very much in thy duty. Consider then how unreverent thou art towards almighty God: how unthankful for his benefits: how rebellious, and stiff-necked to yield to his inspirations: how slothful, and negligent in matters appertaining to his service: which either thou hast left undone, or else if thou hast done them, it was not with such a readiness, and diligence, as the things required, nor with such a pure intention as thou oughtest to have had: but the very true cause why thou didst them, was for some other respect of worldly commodity.
Consider likewise, how hard and severe thou art towards thy neighbor: and contrariwise how pitiful and favorable towards thyself: what a lover of thine own proper will, of thy flesh, of thy estimation, and of all thy worldly profits, and commodities. Consider moreover, that whereas thou sayest in words, that thou art now converted unto almighty God, thou art yet notwithstanding in thy deeds very proud, ambitious, angry, rash, vainglorious, envious, malicious, delicate, inconstant, light, sensual, a great lover of thy pastimes, or pleasant company, laughter, jesting, idle talk, and of vain babbling, and prattling. Consider also, how unconstant thou art in thy good purposes: how unadvised in thy words: how headlong in thy deeds: how cowardly, and faint hearted to do any matter of weight, and importance.
Thirdly, when thou hast considered in this order the multitude of thy sins, consider forthwith the grievousness of them, that thou mayest perceive how thy miseries be increased on every side. The which thing thou shalt the better see, if thou consider these three circumstances in all such sins, as thou hast committed in thy former life: to wit: Against whom thou hast sinned: For what cause thou hast sinned: And in what manner thou hast sinned: If thou consider against whom thou hast sinned, thou shalt find that thou hast sinned against almighty God, whose goodness and majesty is infinite: whose benefits and mercies towards mankind do exceed the sands of the Sea: in whom alone are all excellencies, and titles of honor to be found: and to whom all duties and homages due to any creature, are due in the highest degree of bounden duty. If thou consider the cause that moved thee to sin, it was for a point of estimation, for a beastly delight, for a trifling world commodity, and for other things of no weight: whereof almighty God himself most grievously complaineth by one of his Prophets, saying: They have dishonored me, in the presence of my people, for a handful of barley, and for a piece of bread. But if thou consider after what manner thou hast sinned? Surely it hath been done with such facility, with such boldness, so without all scruple, so without all fear, yea some times with such contention, and joy, as if thou hadst sinned against a God of straw, that neither knew, nor saw, what passeth in the world. Now is this the honor that is due unto so high a majesty? Is this the thankfulness that thou yieldest for his so manifold, and so great benefits? Is this the recompence that thou makest unto him for the precious blood, which he hath shed for thee upon the cross? Is this the repayment for those lashes, and buffets, which he suffered for thy sake? O miserable and wretched creature that thou art! Wretched undoubtedly in consideration of that thou hast lost: and more wretched in respect of the sins thou hast committed: but most wretched, and miserable, if thou be so blinded, that even yet for all this thou perceive not thine own perdition, and damnation.
Consider moreover what a wonderful hatred almighty God beareth against sin: and what great punishments he hath sent to the world for the same: that hereby thou mayest more clearly understand, how great, and how abominable the wickedness thereof is, as it shall be declared hereafter.
When thou hast considered all these things aforesaid, the next point is, that thou think of thyself as basely, as thou canst possibly. Think that thou art no better than a very wavering reed, which is blown up and down with every light blast of wind: without weight, without strength, without firmness, without stay, and without any manner of being. Think that thou art a Lazarus, that hath lain dead four days together, and that thou art a stinking and abominable carcass, so full of worms, and of so vile a stench, and savour, that as many as pass by thee do stop their noses, and shut their eyes, that they may not behold thee. Think with thyself, that thou dost stink in this wise in the sight of almighty God, and of his holy angels. And esteem thyself, as unworthy to lift up thy eyes towards heaven: unworthy that the earth should bear thee: unworthy that any creature should serve thee: unworthy of the very bread that thou eatest: and unworthy even of the light, and air that thou receivest. And if thou be unworthy hereof: consider how much more unworthy thou art to speak and talk with almighty God: yea and far more unworthy of the comforts and consolations of the holy Ghost, and of the cherishings, and delights of the children of God. Accompt thyself for one of the most poor, and miserable creatures of all the world: and that none doth so much abuse the benefits of almighty God, as thou dost. Think that if almighty God had wrought in Tyre, and Sidon, (that is, in other very great sinners) those things, which he hath wrought in thee, they would have done penance ere this, even in sackcloth, and ashes. Acknowledge thyself to be far more wicked than thou canst imagine, and that notwithstanding thou dost sink very deep into this mire, and howsoever thou imaginest thyself to be at the very bottom, yet mayest thou find every day how to sink deeper and deeper therein. Cry out therefore earnestly unto almighty God, and say unto him: O Lord I have nothing, I am worth nothing, I am nothing, and nothing can I do without thee. Cast thyself down prostrate with the public sinner at our Saviors feet, and covering thy face for very shame, and confusion, look with what shame a woman will appear before her husband, when she hath committed treason, and adultery against him, with the very same present thyself before that heavenly spouse, against whom thou hast committed so many, and so shameful adulteries. And with great sorrow, and repentance of heart, desire him to pardon thy sins, and offences, and that it may please him of his infinite pity, and mercy, to receive thee again into his house.
THE FIRST TREATISE: Of the consideration of sins. Wherein this former meditation is declared more at large.
The first table after shipwreck, (as St. Jerome witnesseth) is penance. This is the first step of this ascending, and the first stone of this spiritual building.
Now to obtain this virtue of penance, (besides the grace of God, whose gift true penance is,) it helpeth very much to consider the multitude of our sins, as well present, as past: and withal the grievousness and malice of them. For this consideration proceedeth compunction, and repentance for sins.
And out of this consideration proceedeth not only the virtue of penance, but also many other virtues, yea and those very excellent. For hereof cometh the knowledge of ourselves, (of which point we mind to treat in the meditation next following.) Of this consideration also cometh the contempt of ourselves: the fear of God: the abhorring of sin: with divers and sundry other like affections, wherein consisteth a very great part of perfection. Now that this exercise may be the more profitable unto thee, thou must apply and direct the same unto all these ends: and labor to suck all these sweet fruits out of the bitter root of this consideration. But because towards the obtaining of such fruits, it is needful to have the grace of God, (which is principally given to such as be humble, and devout,) it shall be requisite for thee, to desire of our Lord this gift of humility, and devotion, to the end that recollecting thyself in the inward part of thy heart, thou mayest imitate that holy king, who said: I will recite before thee O Lord, all the years of my life, in the bitterness of my heart.
OF THE MULTITUDE OF THE SINS, that thou hast committed in thy former life.
Now if thou wilt know the number of thy sins, that thou hast committed in times past, run over briefly all the commandments, and deadly sins: and undoubtedly thou shalt find, that there is scarcely a commandment, that thou hast not broken, nor a deadly sin, wherein thou hast not offended.
The first commandment is to honor almighty God, who (as St. Augustine saith) is honored with those three Theological virtues: FAITH: HOPE: AND CHARITY. Now what manner of Faith had he, that hath lived so loosely as if he had believed that all those things which his faith teacheth him had been stark lies? What Hope had he, that neither remembered the life to come: neither knew what it was to call upon almighty God in his troubles, and adversities: nor yet how to put his assured trust, and affiance in him? What Charity had he, that hath more loved a point of honor, more accompted of the chaff of his worldly lucre, and commodity, and more regarded the filthiness of his pleasures, and delights, than almighty God himself: sith that for every one of these things he hath contemned, and offended almighty God. What reverence hath he born to that most high, and divine majesty, that hath been accustomed to rent that name of so great reverence, and to tear it in pieces, in swearing, and forswearing by it upon every light occasion, and that for every trifle, and matter of none importance? How hath he sanctified and kept holy his Feasts, that hath gaped for these days to none other end, but only to offend almighty God the more in them: to use dicing, carding, playing at tables, bowling, and other games: to jet and gaze up and down in the streets: to give scandal and offence to innocent young maidens, and virgins: and to keep evil company, and conversation?
After this, consider how froward, and obstinate thou hast been towards thy parents? How disobedient to thy superiors: How negligent in overseeing thy family, and servants, to instruct them in Catholic doctrine, and prayers: to train them up in honesty, virtue, and goodness: and to direct them with thy good counsel, and virtuous example, in the way of God? As for the hatreds, displeasures, grudges, passions, and desires of revenge, which thou hast had, who is able to number them? And if these things cannot fully be expressed, who is then able to declare the number of the dishonesties, and uncleanness, wherein thou hast fallen by works, words, and desires? What hath thy heart been, but a filthy puddle, and stinking dunghill, meet for beastly swine? What hath thy mouth been, but (as the Prophet saith) An open sepulcher, from whence have issued the evil savours of thy soul, that lie dead within thee? What hath thine eyes been, but as it were certain windows of perdition, and death? What thing hath been presented to the sight of thine eyes, that thou hast not coveted, and procured, never so much as once remembering that almighty God was present, and looking upon thee, and that he had given thee an inhibition that thou shouldest not taste of that tree? Unto the fornicator (the Wise man saith) all bread is sweet. Because his appetite, and greedy desire is so unsatiable, that he tasteth all things, and findeth savor in all things, never remembering that there is a God unto whom he must be accomptable for them. Moreover, who is able to declare the greatness of thy covetousness, and the robberies, and thefts of thy desires, which have been so far of from being contented with that, that almighty God hath given thee, that all the whole world hath seemed to little for them. And if he that desireth an other mans lands, or goods, be (as in very deed he is,) a very thief in the sight of almighty God, how often times hast thou deserved to be hanged, that in thy heart hast committed so many thefts? Now as touching thy lies, thy backbitings, and rash judgements, as hardly may they be numbered, as the rest. For in a manner thou never hadst scarcely communication with others, but that the principal part of thy talk hath been of other folks lives, of the widow, of the virgin, of the priest, and of the lay man, without sparing any order or estate whatsoever.
After this sort hast thou observed the commandments of almighty God. Let us now see how thou hast refrained thyself from sin. The pride of thy heart, how great hath it been? Thy desire of honor, and praise, how far hath it extended? Thy presumption, thy estimation of thyself, and thy contempt of others, who is able to express? Now what shall I say of the vain glory, and lightness of thy heart, sith that even a light feather in thy cap, or a strait pair of hose on thy legs, or a guard of velvet upon thy cloak, or a few silk cuts, and jags, have been able to make thee to strout, jet, and advance thyself very proudly, fondly, and peacocklike in the streets? Yea, and to make thee desirous to be gazed upon of all men? What steps hast thou made, what work hast thou done, what word hast thou spoken, that hath not been set forth with vanity, and desire of thine own estimation? Thy apparel, thy service, thy conversation, thy table, thy bed, thy entertainment, to be short in a manner all thy dealings, and demeaner, have savored of pride, yea, they have been wholly clothed with mere vanity. Furthermore, thy anger hath been like a Serpent: thy gluttony, like a ravening wolf: thy sloth, like a lazy Ass: thy envy, far passing any viper: And herein finally (if thou do well consider thyself,) thou shalt find that thou hast gone very far wandering out of the way, and lived in a very dangerous state.
Consider likewise of thy senses, and not only of them, but also of all the gifts, graces, and benefits, that almighty God hath given thee. And consider after what sort thou hast employed them, and undoubtedly thou shalt find, that of all these things, (wherewith thou shouldest have done the more service unto him, who is the giver of them all,) thou hast made weapons, and instruments, wherewithal to offend him the more. Herein hast thou consumed thy strength, thy health, thy substance, thy life, thy understanding, thy memory, thy will, thy sight, thy tongue, with all the rest.
These and many other worse wicked acts hast thou committed in thy life past. Wherefore thou mayest very well say with that great sinner, (who as he was a great sinner, so was he also a repentant sinner,) I have sinned (O Lord) above the number of the sands of the sea: my transgressions (O Lord) are multiplied, my offences are exceeding many. And whereas there were so many things, that might somewhat have bridled thee, and made thee afraid of almighty God: as the multitude of his benefits: and his exceeding great goodness, and justice: yet for all his benefits thou wouldst never acknowledge him, nor for his goodness love him, nor for his justice fear him, but utterly forgetting all these things, and closing fast thine eyes from beholding them, as one that had been stark blind, thou hast willfully wallowed thyself in all kind of vices. Now if it had so been, that the commodities, and provocations, thou hadst to allure thee to sin had been great, then peradventure thine offences might have had some pretensed colour of excuse. But what canst thou say for thyself, seeing that even for trifling matters of no importance, for childish toys, yea many times without any commodity at all, thou hast voluntarily sinned, as it were only in mere contempt, and despite of almighty God? Other men when they sin, are wont to do it with some fear, and remorse of conscience, or at the least after the sin is committed they are very sorry for it. But thou perhaps hast been so blind, and so unsensible, that thou hast committed a thousand sins without any kind of fear, or remorse of conscience, even as if thou hadst thought that there had been no God at all. Or if thou hadst believed that there was a God, yet thy belief was like unto theirs, that said. Our Lord shall not see our doings, neither shall the God of Jacob understand them. This is one of the greatest wickedness in all the world. For among those six things, which (as Solomon saith) are abhorred of almighty God, one is: To have swift feet to run to do wickedness: That is: to have a facility, and swiftness, which the wicked have in offending almighty God.
OF THE SINS, AND DEFECTS, THAT A MAN MAY fall into after he is come to the knowledge of almighty God.
In these and many other sins it is certain thou hast fallen before thou knewest almighty God. But after thou didst come to the knowledge of him, (if haply thou hast yet known him,) desire him that he will a little open thine eyes, and thou shalt find that even still for all this knowledge there are many relics of the old man, and many Jebusees yet remaining in the land of promise: because thou hast dealt so favorably with them, and hast been so well affected towards them.
Consider then how in all things thou art full of defects, to wit: in thy duty towards God, towards thy neighbor, and towards thyself. Consider how little thou hast profited in the service of thy creator, being so long a time as it is, since he called thee. Consider how lively thy passions are even yet to this day: How little thou hast increased in virtues: And how thou hast continued evermore at one same stay, even like unto an old knotty tree, that never thriveth, but rather perhaps thou hast turned backward: Forsomuch as in the way of God, the not going forward is a turning backward. At the least wise consider as touching thy fervor, and devotion of spirit. Is it well (trowest thou) that thou art now very far of from that fervent devotion, which peradventure thou hast had in times past?
Consider also, how little penance thou hast done for thy sins, and how little love, fear, and hope, thou hast had in almighty God. Thy little love towards him is seen by the little pains thou hast taken for his sake. Thy little fear of him is perceived by the manifold sins thou hast committed against him. Thy little confidence, and trust in him, is evidently declared in the time of tribulation, by the great raging storms, and troubles of mind, which thou sufferedst in that tempest, for that thou hast not perfectly stayed and settled thy heart with the anchors of hope.
Furthermore, consider how evil thou hast answered to his divine inspirations: how unwilling thou hast shewed thyself to receive the light of heaven: how thou hast grieved the holy Ghost, and sufferest him to cry and call upon thee so often times in vain. For in that thou art loath to gainsay and resist thine own will, thou dost gainsay and resist the will of almighty God. He calleth thee to one way, and thou followest an other. He would have thee to serve him in one work, and thou wilt serve him in an other work. And although thou seest clearly what the will of almighty God is: yet if haply thine own will be set on the contrary, thou servest him in such things, as thine own will liketh, and not in such things as he would have thee to serve him. He peradventure calleth thee to inward exercises, and thou turnest to those that be outward. He calleth thee to prayer, and thou givest thyself to reading. His will is that thou shouldest first attend to thine own souls health before any others: but thou forgettest thyself, and settest aside thine own profit to profit others. Whereupon it cometh to pass, that thou neither dost profit thyself, nor them. To conclude, as often as thy will is contrary to the will of almighty God, thine always prevaileth, and is the conqueror, and the will of almighty God hath the overthrow.
And if perhaps thou do any good work, (good Lord,) how many defects are there intermingled therein? If thou be given to prayer, how often times art thou there distracted, heavy, irksome, drowsy, and slothful, without any reverence to the majesty of almighty God, unto whom thou speakest. And thou thinkest the time of prayer very long, and tedious unto thee, and art never in quiet until thou hast given it over, that thou mayest attend to thy other business, that be more agreeable to thy taste, and liking. Now when thou dost any other good work, O with what coldness and faintness is it done? With how many defects and imperfections is it fraughted? If this be certain, that almighty God looketh not so much unto the substance of the good work that is done, as to the intention wherewith it is done, how many good works (I pray thee) hast thou done in such sort, as they passed away pure and clean from dust, and chaff: and that neither vanity, nor the world have plucked at the least one lock of wool from them? How many hast thou done moved only by the importunity of others, or for custom, or manners sake? How many hast thou done only in regard of thine own estimation, and credit? How many only to satisfy thine own taste, and contentation? And how few hast thou done sincerely and purely for the love of God, without having some kind of vain respect to the world?
Now if thou consider how thou hast done thy duty towards thy neighbors, thou shalt find, that thou hast neither loved them as almighty God commandeth thee, nor been sorry for their adversities as for thine own, nor endeavored to help them in their troubles, neither yet hast thou had so much as even pity and compassion upon them: yea peradventure in steed of taking compassion upon them, thou hast disdained and grudged at their doings, though it be certain that true justice taketh pity, and compassion, and false and counterfeit justice disdain, and indignation. At the least as touching that bond of love which the Apostle so often times requireth of us, commanding us to love one an other, as members of one same body, (sith we be all partakers of one same spirit) consider how far of thou hast been from having that love? How often times hast thou omitted to relieve the poor, to visit the sick, to help the widow, and to be a proctor and mediator for him, that could do very little for himself? Unto how many persons hast thou gave offence with thy words, with thy deeds, and with any answers? How often times hast thou preferred thyself before thy equals, despised thy inferiors, and flattered thy superiors, crouching, and creeping down like a seely emmet to the one sort, and strutting, and advancing thyself very proudly like an Elephant to the others?
But now if thou wilt take a view of thyself, and put thy hand into thine own bosom, O how leprous shalt thou pluck it out again? And what deep festered wounds shalt thou find within thee? How green and lively shalt thou find within thee the roots of pride, the love of honor, and estimation, the tickling of vain glory, and hypocrisy privily dissembled, wherewith thou laborest to cover thy defects, and wouldst gladly seem to be an other manner of man, than in very deed thou art? What a lover art thou of thine own worldly gain, and commodity, and of the pleasures, and delights of thy flesh? Whereunto often times under the colour of necessity, thou dost not only provide, but also serve: thou dost not only sustain it, but also pamper and cherish it with great delicacy. Again, if one of thine equals do but take the right hand of thee, or set his foot somewhat before thee, or sit above thee at the table, how quickly do the roots of envy bud forth, and shew themselves? And if an other do but a little touch thee in a point of estimation (good Lord) what a sudden, and furious choleric rage dost thou fall into.
But among all other evils, who is able to express the looseness of thy tongue, the lightness of thy heart, the stubbornness of thine own will, and the inconstancy in good purposes? How many waste, and void words do issue from thy tongue? How much vain and needless language dost thou fondly lavish out in a day? How much dost thou babble and talk to the derogation and hinderance of thy neighbor, and to the praise and commendation of thyself? How seldom times dost thou deny thine own will, and give over the prey whereupon it feedeth, to fulfill either the will of almighty God, or of thy neighbor? Consider this point attentively, and thou shalt find that it is very rare and seldom that thou hast obtained the victory over thyself, and thine own perverse will. Whereas in very deed it is always necessary for thee to have this victory, in case thou mind to be perfectly virtuous. Now what shall I say of thy inconstancy in thy good purposes, but (to conclude in few words,) that there is no weathercock that so lightly turneth with every wind, as thou dost with the least puff of every trifling occasion, that is offered unto thee? What else is all thy whole life but very childish toys, and as it were a weaving, and unweaving, purposing a thing in the morning, and breaking it at evening, yea and some times thou tarryest not so long, but changest and alterest thy determinations, if not out of hand, yet the very same hour? Now what other thing is this, but to be like unto that Lunatic man mentioned in the gospel, whom the disciples of our Savior could not heal, for that this disease was so great.
In like manner the lightness of thy heart, the fickleness, mutability, unsteadfastness, and pusillanimity thereof are such, as they can hardly be expressed. For it is manifest, that thy heart changeth and varieth into so many divers shapes, and forms, as there chanceth divers occasions and accidents unto it every hour of the day and that without any firmness or constancy at all. How soon is it distracted with every trifling business? How lightly poureth it out all that it hath? And how little trouble and adversity is able to vex and torment it, yea and utterly to overwhelm it?
To conclude, when thou hast well examined and made thine accompt aright, and seest what thou hast, and what thou wantest, thou shalt surely find, that thou hast good cause to be afraid, least all that thou hast be but only a very deceit, and a mere shadow of virtue, and even a false and counterfeit justice: forsomuch as thou hast no more in thee, but a little taste of almighty God, which may perhaps savour more of the flesh, than of the spirit. And yet it may so be, that herewith thou thinkest thyself to be safe, and secure: yea peradventure thou wilt not stick to say with the proud Pharisee: That thou art not as other men be: Because they have not that taste and feeling that thou hast. Whereas on the other side, thou hast the bosom of thy soul full of self love, and of thine own obstinate will, and of all the other foul defects, and inordinate passions before mentioned. So that all the substance of this thy gay shew of virtue, and goodness, is no more in effect, but to say, Lord! Lord! And not to do the will of our Lord. This is to imitate the counterfeit Justice of the Pharisees, and to be that lukewarm man, (to wit, neither hot nor cold in the service of God,) which is spoken of in the Apocalypse, whom almighty God vomiteth out of his mouth.
All these things (Christian brother) thou oughtest to consider very diligently with thyself, and to direct this consideration to this end, that thou mayest hereby procure sorrow, and grief for thy sins, and attain to the knowledge of thine own misery: that by the one thou mayest desire pardon of our Lord for thine offences past: and by the other virtue, and grace, never to offend him any more.
OF THE ACCUSATION of a mans own conscience: And of the abhorring and contempt of himself.
When a man hath thus considered the multitude of his sins, and seen himself how he is on every side very sore loden, and overcharged with the burthen of the same, his part is to humble himself, and to have as great a sorrow and compunction as he may possibly, and to desire to be contemned, and despised of all creatures, for that he hath thus despised the creator of them all. For the furtherance of which desire he may help himself with a very devout consideration of St. Bonaventure, wherein speaking of this confusion of conscience, and of the contempt of ourselves, he saith thus.
Let us consider my brethren our own great vileness, and how greatly we have offended almighty God, and let us humble ourselves before him, as much as we can possibly: let us be afraid to lift up our eyes towards heaven, and let us strike our breasts with that publican of the gospel, that almighty God may take pity and compassion upon us: let us enforce ourselves, and take arms against our own malice and wickedness: let us become judges over ourselves: and let every one of us say within himself: If our Lord hath been so reproachfully handled for my sake, if he have suffered so great torments and most grievous pains for the sins that I have committed, why should not I abase and despise myself, being the very person that hath sinned? God forbid, that I should ever presume any thing more of myself than of a most vile, and filthy dunghill, whose horrible stench even I myself cannot well abide. I am he that hath despised almighty God: I am he, that hath sought means to crucify him again upon the cross: and me thinketh that all the whole frame of this world crieth out with open voice against me: saying: This is he, that hath offended and despised our common Lord. This is that wicked and ungrateful wretched creature that hath rather been moved with the guileful baits of the devil, than with the great benefits of almighty God. This is he, that hath been more delighted with the malice of the devil, than with the bountiful goodness and favor of almighty God. This is he, that could never be induced to virtue and goodness with the fatherly loving cherishings, and entertainments of almighty God: neither could he ever be made afraid with his dreadful and terrible judgements. This is he, that hath (so much as lieth in him) defaced the power, wisdom, and goodness of almighty God, and brought them in contempt. This is he, that hath been more afraid to offend a seely weak man, than the omnipotency of God. This is he, that hath been more ashamed to commit a filthy act before a rude plough man of the country, than before the presence of almighty God. This is he, that hath rather loved, and chosen to enjoy a little stinking dung and mire here upon the earth, than the everlasting chief felicity in the kingdom of heaven. This is he, that hath fixed his eyes upon rotten, and corruptible creatures, and utterly neglected the creator. What shall I say more? There is nothing so filthy, nothing so abominable, that he hath refrained to commit in the presence of almighty God, without having any respect, or shame, of so great a majesty.
Wherefore all creatures do cry out after their manner against me, and say: This is that lewd Caitiff, that hath abused us all. For whereas he ought to have employed us in the service and glory of our Creator, he hath made us to serve the will and pleasure of the devil, perverting all such things to the injury, and reproach of the creator, as he had created for his service. His soul was beautified with the image of God, and he hath disfigured this divine image, and clothed it with our vile image, and likeness. He hath been more earthly than the earth itself: more slippery than the water: more mutable than the wind: more enkindled in his appetites, than the fire: more hardened than the very stones: more cruel against himself, than the wild beasts: more spiteful and venomous against others, than the very Cockatrice. What need I to use many words? He hath neither feared almighty God, nor made accompt of men, and therefore he hath cast abroad his poison (as much as in him lay) upon many persons, alluring them to bear him company in his sins, and wickedness. He hath not been content to be himself alone injurious, and reproachful against almighty God, but would have many others also to be partners, and companions with him in his sinful, wicked, and injurious doings. Now what shall I say of his other abominable naughtiness? His pride hath been so great, that he would not be subject unto almighty God, nor submit his neck under the sweet yoke of his obedience, but would rather live as he himself thought best, and fulfil his own will in each point, rebelling (so much as lay in him) against almighty God. If almighty God did not fulfil his appetites and desires, or if he sent him any troubles, or adversities, he was in as great an anger, and rage against him, as he would have been against one of his own servants. In all his doings he would be praised, as well in the wicked, as in the good, as though he had been almighty God himself, to whom only it appertaineth to be praised in all his works: forsomuch as all that he doth is good, or ordained to goodness. What shall I say more? He hath been more proud in some degree than lucifer: more presumptuous than Adam: For they being (as they were) full of clearness and beauty, had some motive and provocation to presume of themselves, but this ungracious sinful caitiff being in very deed a filthy, and stinking dunghill, what should move and provoke him to esteem himself in any respect?
All creatures do therefore justly cry out against me, and say: Come let us destroy this wicked sinful wretch that hath done such great wrong and villainy to our creator. The earth saith: Why do I bear him? The water saith: why do I not drown him? The air saith, why do I give him breath? The fire saith, why do I not burn him? Hell saith, why do I not swallow him up, and torment him? Alas! Alas! Miserable wretch that I am, what shall I do? Whither shall I go? Seeing all things are in arms against me? Where shall I hide myself? Who will receive me, seeing I have offended all things? Almighty God I have despised: the Angels I have made angry: the saints I have dishonored: men I have offended and scandalized: and all creatures I have most wickedly abused. But to what end do I make so long a discourse? For in that I offended the Lord and creator of all things, I have also offended all creatures together in him. I know not therefore (poor wretched sinful caitiff that I am) whither I may go: forsomuch as I have made all things to become enemies against me. Amongst all the things that I see about me, I can find nothing that will take my part, insomuch as even mine own very conscience barketh against me, and all my bowels do accuse me, and rent me in pieces.
Wherefore I will weep continually: I will lament my wretchedness like a poor miserable creature: I will never cease weeping, so long as I live in this vale of misery: I will expect if perhaps my most merciful Savior will vouchsafe to turn his pitiful eyes towards me: I will cast myself down at his feet: and with all the humility, and shame that I can, I will say unto him. O Lord I am that great enemy of thine, which in presence of thy divine eyes have committed most wicked, and abominable offences. I acknowledge myself to be guilty here before thee. I confess my wickedness to be so great, that although I alone should suffer all the pains and torments that both the devils, and damned persons do suffer in hell, yet should I not be able with all this to make a sufficient satisfaction for that, which my sins have deserved. Wherefore I beseech thee (O Lord) to cast the cloak of thy mercy over me thy poor, wretched, and sinful creature: and let the greatness of thy goodness overcome, and cover my wickedness. Let the most sweet loving father rejoice at the coming home again of his prodigal son. Let the good shepherd rejoice at the recovery of his lost sheep. Let the pitiful woman rejoice at the finding of her lost groat. O how happy and joyful shall that day be, when thou shalt cast thine arms about my neck, and give me the sweet kisses of peace!
Howbeit to obtain this gracious benefit, I know now what I will do. I will take arms even against myself: And I will be more cruel, and rigorous against myself, than any other. I will afflict and punish myself all manner of ways with labors and pains: and I will despise myself as a most stinking, and filthy dunghill. Yea I will rejoice when so ever I shall be despised, and dishonored, how soever the same shall happen unto me. I will be glad also, when my shame shall be discovered, and published abroad. And because I alone am not sufficient to abhor, and despise myself, I will join all creatures in the whole world unto me, and will desire to be punished, and despised by every one of them, forsomuch as I have despised the Creator of them all. This shall be unto me a treasure, which I will very earnestly desire: to wit: to heap pains and despites against myself, and to love them with hearty affection, that shall help me herein. All the consolations, and honors of this life, shall be a torment unto me: and I will accompt them all to be my most deceitful, and flattering enemies. I believe assuredly, that in case I shall thus do, I shall provoke all things (notwithstanding I have offended them) to take pity, and compassion upon me: and that those creatures, which before cried out against me will now after their manner pray, and entreat in my behalf. Wherefore I am contented that all dishonors, reproaches, and punishments do run upon me on every side, so that by them I may be brought to my most sweet, and merciful Lord. And as for all honor, pleasure, and delight, they shall be banished away quite from me: insomuch as the very names of them shall no more be heard in my house. In all things I will seek nothing else, but only the honor of my Lord God, and the contempt and confusion of myself.
Hitherto are the words of St. Bonaventure. Which will undoubtedly be a very great help unto him, that shall devoutly meditate upon them, to procure, and engender in him these four noble affections. To wit, sorrow for sin: the fear of God: a holy hatred of himself: and a desire to be contemned and despised for gods sake. Of the first affection proceedeth penance, which washeth away all our sins past. In the second is contained the fear of God, which excludeth all sins that are to come. By the third is obtained a hatred of himself, against the love of himself. And by the fourth is obtained true humility, against the desire of the glory of the world. Whosoever is desirous to obtain these four virtues, must exercise himself in these, and such like considerations. But especially hereby is obtained this holy hatred of a mans self, whose office is, not only to eschew the cherishings, and delicacies of the body, and to procure to himself pains, and labors, but also much more to despise all manner of dignity, honor, and estimation of the world, and to love all kind of contempt and dishonor for Gods sake. And this affection appertaineth properly unto humility, which is a very inward, and hearty contempt of ourselves: Which contempt cometh of the true knowledge of ourselves, and of the consideration of our own sins. I speak this, to the intent that such as be lovers of true humility may understand, that out of this very same fountain, from whence that water is drawn that may cause in us an hatred and abhorring of ourselves, is that other water drawn also, that sustaineth, and watereth the tree of true humility, out of which tree all virtues do spring.
OF PRAYER AND MEDITATION 